Now that I’m a mom, I find myself having a hard time getting out of the house. I know this isn’t the case for everyone; lots of moms feel a sense of relief by going out and doing things with their kids in tow. I, however, frequently feel overwhelmed by the preparation that goes into taking an adventure and worry about all the possible what-ifs that could happen along the way. I’ve always been a worrier, but this anxiousness makes me feel not myself. Growing up and through college I was always up for spontaneous trips to the beach, hikes, a long walk through Boston, go to a rodeo…whatever, let’s do it! But it’s not just me anymore! I have this little person, and I’m just learning how to take care of him and figuring out what I’m comfortable with. He has needs and limits, and I’m figuring out what those are. But more often than not, I err on the side of “I guess I’ll just not go…” because it’s easier.
There’s a balance of being merciful and patient with myself and summoning up the courage to take a leap of faith. There’s a balance of pushing my self-made boundaries and making sure that John-Paul is well cared for. So it’s not very easy to navigate. I try to encourage myself, saying, “If you wait for all the conditions to be perfect, you’ll never do anything.” Josh challenges me, knowing that if I get out I will feel better, and I’ll have a little more confidence than I did the day before. As a follow of Jesus, I don’t want to let my heart be ruled by fear. “Be not afraid,” our Lord tells us. I want to trust Him.
Thankfully, I have people in my life that help me through this process. Yesterday this person was a beautiful woman named Karina and her son. I wanted to go, but kept feeling set back by how my day at home was going – I’m exhausted! It’s kind of cold! I don’t know where the farm is! I have chores! John-Paul is acting like a Grumplestiltskin! – and was tempted to just bail out on the idea. Karina, who was already on her way to Bee Tree Farm, offered to turn around so she could help me get out the door and so that I could follow her to the farm. So flexible! So patient! So kind! I continued to fumble through the day, and each time Karina met my absent-mindedness and anxiety with grace.
And guess what? I had a great time. The rain sprinkled down a little, and JP didn’t melt. I thought I lost the cash that I brought, but found it in a different pocket. JP didn’t want to be in his carrier, so he sat on the grass and bugs didn’t eat him alive. He got strawberries all over himself and it was GOOD.
I didn’t want to leave!